the inevitable

9 Sep

I cried in discussion today.  Well, not entirely…after a long silence following a question about glucagon receptors in our biochem small group, I chirped up, guessed the wrong pathway (because I am a dumb and, despite having read about glucagon receptors like–oh, I don’t know–nine times late last night/early this morning…it was like my mind was like, “Anna, so this is the right answer, right here, at the center of your attention…got it?  Now make sure you say the EXACT OPPOSITE”–idiot!), and our small group leader scoffed.  She actually scoffed at me.  And I just felt my eyes well up with warm tears.  I held it together, or so I thought.

Clearly I was not at all subtle.  At the end of discussion, after people started filing out, the discussion leader approached me to apologize…and then I started actually crying and I apologized to her for being wrong…and then being emotional.  What a basket-case…and a nutjob.  Is this not the most pathetic display of anxious med student or what?  The sad thing is, I’m not even stressed…I’m exhausted from staying up all hours trying to make sense of biochem.  Genetics, Embryology, I could study those until the cows come home.  Biochem, not my cup of tea.  Anyway, those of you who know me well already know this: number one sign that Anna needs to sleep more = Anna cries at absolutely nothing and then develops the reputation for being the overly sensitive girl for the next four years.  Fantastic.  The plus side?  Apparently our discussion leader thinks that it’s “obvious that [I] know this material” (her words)….uh…????????????  Placation?  Or could I have her fooled?  In all seriousness, she was very kind to me after section.  I’ll pass, and I’ll be done with biochem in mid-October.

Not to bitch more, but I’m going to bitch some more.  And then I sat in the dentist’s red-carpeted and painted waiting room (word of advice: if you’re in a business at all related to health care, opt against a blood-colored interior motif) for two hours even though I had an appointment.  They charged me $95 for a two-minute follow-up procedure, which involved drilling without anesthetic, and made me miss yoga.

I almost bought myself flowers.  Instead, I used the money to buy laundry bleach and disposable razors–for my laundry and my legs, respectively…nothing morbid!  (I also bought zucchini, balsamic vinegar, and Greek yogurt.)

Next best thing to tangible flowers?  Digital flowers!  And tonight I decided to look at the beautiful ones Kathleen had waiting for John and me at her charming cottage in Austin this past April…she knows that sunflowers are close to our hearts!

And then she introduced us to bluebells and Indian paint brushes…

…that laid out on along the side of the road like carpet.

Kathleen jokes that, when we lived next-door to each other, I had bouquets of eleven flowers.  John would always give one to Kathleen.  I love that.  I also love that we drink good wine together.

Six days until I get to see the stud-muffin in the middle of the two East Side Sirens!

This post put me in a better mood.  I think I’ll go to bed.


5 Responses to “the inevitable”

  1. annaojesus September 9, 2010 at 10:02 pm #

    P.S. I fully acknowledge that today I am being very whiny for very little reason. Thanks for putting up with me. Tomorrow I’ll be back to normal, so I hope you check back.

  2. JI September 9, 2010 at 10:08 pm #

    I keep getting told that all mistakes are fixable. I find that hard to believe in a profession where a mistake can mean really big bucks (not a big deal really when I think that in yours it means life or death or at least injury). But the thing that I find reassuring about it is that my work realizes that I will make mistakes, and that we all make them, and it’s ok. It’s part of the learning process. So…moral is, don’t beat yourself up for making a mistake. In the end, we all learn from our mistakes. One day, you will look back and be like “man, what was so hard about biochem that I cried? haha, ridiculous!” Love you lots!

    • annaojesus September 9, 2010 at 10:33 pm #

      Full body nod. I couldn’t agree more. Thanks so much for empathizing. Yeah, I’m pretty much already there about how ridiculous it is that I cried over biochem…but you know those moments when you just can’t keep it fully together, and you lose it for a second over something totally not worth it? I expect there will be other such moments :/ I imagine your mistakes must be tough, but I’m so encouraged that people emphasize that they’re fixable–what a great attitude?–in your workplace? Love YOU.

  3. RM September 9, 2010 at 11:00 pm #

    no worries anna, it’s stressful and emotional, especially in the first few months until you settle into a rhythm. everyone feels it! just make sure you take care of yourself – it’s a long haul, and remembering the “little things” like sleep and giving yourself what you need is a skill to be learned early :).

    • annaojesus September 9, 2010 at 11:15 pm #

      Rick! So good to hear you say that…coming from the most calm, put-together person I’ve met.

      How are you doing? How’s your new rhythm? My goodness, I cannot believe that John only has a year of residency left–all these changes are so exciting!

      lots of love to you and your beautiful wife!

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