Archive | 12:20 pm

the things we get to do

3 Jun

I simply had to repost this list, and clearly will be ordering Jason Good’s This is Ridiculous This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists.  Spot on.

Oh, but the New and Wonderful New Things You’ll Get to Do
By Jason Good, father of two

There are, indeed, countless things you will no longer be able to do after having children, like grooming, learning, stretching and snorkeling. But don’t fret. Here are just a few of the amazing new things you’ll get to do instead.

1. Butter a piece of toast while peeing
2. Brush someone’s teeth against his will
3. Blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth
4. Help someone else blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth
5. Eat food that has fallen out of someone else’s mouth
6. Eat food you found on the floor
7. Eat food you found on the mantle
8. Eat candy you found in a shoe
9. Put someone in a Bob the Builder costume while fighting off diarrhea
10. Visit a psychiatrist
11. Wipe somebody’s nose with your bare hand
12. Eat baby food
13. Blame a fart on a child
14. Get someone dressed while you’re in the shower
15. Cut up a grape
16. Almost agree to cut up a raisin
17. Pretend to enjoy the flavor of a prune
18. Ask someone why their hair smells like yogurt
19. Ask someone why their hair smells like your antiperspirant
20. Put someone else’s toenail clippings in your pocket
21. Let someone watch you pee as they stare blankly while eating a Popsicle

I read this out loud to John last night with beer literally shooting through my nose toward the end, mostly because I’ve taken part in almost all of these without appreciating the comic elements until seeing them in print.  3 and 11 are parts of our daily morning routine.  18 and 19 happen with more regularity than I’d like to admit.  Oh my god, 21.  Just 21.  Every day.  Substitute string cheese or craisins or keys.

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